I had a miscarriage.
It seemed like I was on the fast track to have the baby I had always wanted with the right person. The person who wanted her as much as I did. I had my removed IUD and conceived about 2 weeks later. My follow-up appointment to confirm my pregnancy was exactly a month after my IUD removal. My midwife was impressed with my speedy conception.
My blood work came back that I was on the lower end of the level of progesterone (which supports pregnancy) that they like you to have. It’s pretty common and I took supplements to increase that level. Now, to wait for my ultrasound at 8 weeks. I was having typical pregnancy symptoms which I had noticed had completely stopped. Now, this is totally common but the pregnant mind is like an overactive mind of a hypochondriac in many ways. I knew that ultrasound would calm my nerves and show a viable pregnancy.
Eric and I went for the first ultrasound. I was terribly anxious but excited to see our baby and his heartbeat. The tech, who was very kind, explained that I was measuring small for 8 weeks and it was too soon to find a heartbeat. She said there could be a lot of reasons for that, like my dates were accurate. Even with her reassurance, I was inconsolable. My poor love seemed confused at my emotional state. He didn’t understand that this day was supposed to be the one ease my fears. The chance of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat is between 5-10%. I was hoping for those odds.
I had lab work done again and my hormone levels were inconclusive. So, another ultrasound was scheduled for a week later. Two days before my ultrasound, I started bleeding. Again, a totally natural occurrence in pregnancy. I tried to remain cautiously optimistic. Of course, I’ve checking all the pregnancy forums looking for success stories of which I found many. Again, I found myself anxiously waiting.
I went alone this time for my ultrasound. Mostly because it the other facility was booked out but I secretly wanted to be alone if I was going to get bad news. The tech, like the last, was kind and had asked if I was sure about my dates. My heart sank. She completed the exam and had me wait while she contacted my midwife. Some more sinking. I got up and looked at the screen and saw that was no growth from the last ultrasound. She came back and told me that there were two sacs, that I had been pregnant with twins but one sac was empty. My heart could not be found.
I spoke with my midwife and she had me come in for some more lab work to confirm a miscarriage. I left work early and Eric met me at the train. He was waiting outside the car for me as I exited the train. We melted into each other for an undeterminable amount of time. He stayed home with me the next day and we tried to keep busy. We ate our feelings and indulged my need for retail therapy. While that was going, I missed my call from my midwife telling me my HCG hormone dropped from 21,000 to 14,000 confirming that I was miscarrying. So, I bled and I waited.
The next morning around 3 a.m., I awoke to some of the worst cramps I’ve ever had. I slept on the couch with a heating pad as to not wake Eric. Around 5:30, I felt a rush of wetness. I knew it had happened and put off going to the bathroom as long as I could. I passed the first sac. I couldn’t flush it; that was my baby. I scooped her from the water and placed her in a container. Shortly after, the second one came though I knew the sac was empty.
I cleaned up after myself and laid back on the couch. Numb. Eric woke up and I told him it happened. I said the babies were in Tupperware matter-of-factly which, I think, probably freaked him out just a little. He went on to work while I stayed on the sofa. Still numb. He ended up coming home because he was so upset. I felt guilty for causing him pain. I felt guilty because I didn’t feel anything. He came home and I went thrifting to think about anything but what I was going through.
As I shared my news with my friends and family who knew I was pregnant, I was surprised to hear their stories of miscarriage and realized how very common it is. People just don’t talk about it. That’s why I’m talking about it now. I had to come to terms with it not being my fault and it’s just something that happens in nature. It’s nothing something I did or didn’t do.
I’m blessed to have a partner who is incredibly supportive. He spoils me with love and lifts me up when I need it most. And that’s not an easy feat when I feel so alone. It’s a different experience when you are carrying a life. When it is gone, you just feel empty. I try to mindful that he is grieving as well. Having our daughter around has helped tremendously. We picked her up from her mom the weekend after this happened and her rainbow-unicorn-let’s-play-kitty self wouldn’t allow me to feel blue.
After the miscarriage, I bought two peace lilies representing my twins I had lost. I sat alone on my patio with my pot, soil, pen and paper. I wrote down all my wishes for the future. I wrote wishes for myself, for my family, for my love and for my babies. I read each aloud and planted them in the soil. I told my babies one last goodbye and placed them in soil with all my hopes for the future.
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